If anyone follows this, you might have noticed that a post I made a few weeks ago was removed. It was due to a girl and I feel I should tell this story now because I want to, and I feel like if I write, I won't do other things I shouldn't do.
This girl, This girl was my friend for 4 years,we used to work together, and we and a few others, would always get together on our days off and do something as group. Eventually the group winded down, to basically us. I moved a few cities over, and kept in touch with her very often even going out to meet her and the rest on a few occasions.
I grew feelings for her after a year, I was always there for her, even more than her boyfriends.It wasn't my time though we kept in touch and always text each other. She was there for me when my mother passed, and was around after. I talked to her about my ex girlfriend and she was very helpful in getting over that relationship. She understood it to a degree.
We hadn't talked in a long time my 2013 had been going shitty so far,and I wanted to take a chance what did I have to lose? A friendship evidently. I told her everything, I told her that I was in love with her. And that I was proud to be in her life. She's an inspiration of sorts to me. She does so much and still does more. I thought I wasn't good enough for her, and it turned out fate seemed to think that.
That night I told her everything and we talked all night, and we both expressed how we loved each other. And I woke the next day the happiest I had been since I first got with my ex. A friend called early that morning and I was so happy and proud to have someone as great as her to be interested in me. My friends were very happy for me. They knew how rough its been for the last two years.
It would be short lived, she realized she jumped into something she didn't want or have time for. And my reality check kicked in, she was too good for me, and fate knew it too. She made me want to do more though. She made me want to better. I never really expressed myself like that before. I was in love before, but I never really expressed myself the way I did with her.
Today I told her I couldn't be her friend anymore. Nothing will be the same anymore I'll always wonder what if, and she'll always question if I'm still in love with her. I went too fast too soon, and it seems I wasn't meant to be with her.This last week as been especially hard. I don't know what it is, every time something goes wrong, I end up having a dream of it being perfectly fine. I've been having the same recurring dream.
I'm in a big house appears to be mine, My friend is there but she's sitting next to me, then my mother shows up. I should realize this is dream but I don't and I go about things. My friend looks at me, and grabs my hand and begins to caress it. I lean over to kiss her, I can feel a surge even in my dreams. Just when there's a knock at the door, I wake up. Saddened by the fact it was a dream and I'm back in this world.
Next night I have a similar dream,my friend is there,my mom is there, my sister who I haven't seen in two years is there, with her kids, it feels like a nice family occasion.I can feel happiness I didn't realize how much of a high being happy is. And then I wake up again. This time I woke up angry trying to go back to sleep and back into this dream. I can't
Next night again another dream with my friend my mom and all of my family.It's the 4th of July we're out on the lawn in the backyard, everyone is sitting next to each other. I turn to the left to see my friend Kim, I look right into her big brown eyes. And I kiss her, I kiss her like I will never see her again. I grab her and hold her close, I don't want to let go. I don't want to leave here, maybe if I keep on to her I wont leave. I wake up again.
I can't take it anymore and I breakdown I punch by pillow over and over and begin to cry. My tears drop from my face and splash onto my shaking hands. They continue to splash everywhere. I wonder to myself if this world is the horrible nightmare. Everything that happens in a nightmare happened in this world.
who else can explain their mother being sexually abused as a kid by her father, then raped as grown women.. Only to be given diabetes, and then HIV and then Cancer.That has to be a nightmare, but it's not, it's the life my mother was given. She lived it and fought every day.
I miss her so much, I can see me coming to her after everything that happened not saying a word, and her knowing, and just giving me hug.and a kiss on the cheek,telling me I'm handsome and smart. I wish I didn't feel like a failure to her, and to Kim for not being the guy she wants. My mom of course would tell me I'm not and that she loves me and that I will be someone as long as I try.
No matter how bad I've fucked up in my life, she was always there for me. She was always there for all of us. There is nothing she wouldn't do for us. And I know right now she'd be my rock in getting over this hardship of a year. I wish I didn't feel like I am so stuck. Not going forward not going backward. Just stuck.
I don't know if it was the best decision to not be friends with Kim anymore. But I don't my heart broken again.
At some point, she'd start dating again, and I can't be the guy I was for her before. Getting relationship advice from me.I couldn't pretend to do that. I can't even pretend to be happy. I'm not sad either. I cried, but that was a long time coming. I have no problem admitting I cried, I can't keep everything in all the time.
Love has kicked my ass twice. Two times and two separate broken hearts. My ex told me I could make a girl fall in love with me since she did, But what about Kim? I'm in this fucking "friend zone" and I can't be there anymore. So I guess ending the friendship is the only thing I can do.
There is nothing I wouldn't do for love, but I don't know if the people I fall in love felt the same way. I don't know if I should keep trying. This was the first time I told a girl flat out how I entirely felt about her,and then basically blown off after I was lead on. That night, when we talked all night was the most wonderful feeling, I didn't want to go to bed then either.
Sigh, Love 2, Jr 0
