Emotional Dictatorship

Frustration is dictating how I live my life lately, this last week and a half has been horrible. I sometimes wish I didn't lose myself to my emotions. I tend to let them run my life and my decisions. From rushing head first into things, to losing control of myself and just striking out at the nearest object. Tomorrow is tough for me, this is the second mother's day without my mom, and it's still not easy.

I told her how I felt,told her too much too fast. I scared her, and ruined whatever could have happened. Once again my emotions dictating my actions.That night was wonderful, we stayed up all night just talking, and I hadn't felt that good in a long time.The next day things changed, rational came into play and my week went back to the nightmare it was before this wonderful moment occurred.

I didn't want her to feel bad, although she did, it wasn't her fault that I sprung all of this on her and scared her into not wanting to hurt me. I had to take that chance though, I was tired of not speaking my mind and not trying to take a chance. She loves me, but she doesn't have the time right now to be with someone, I didn't want to jump into anything, I just wanted to be more than I was to her.

Now I just feel like, nothing can go right for me when I fall for someone, I tend to fall for the wrong people, or get the same response. I felt like she was too good for me to begin with, and I guess I was right.

I wish Thursday never happened. Too much at once, and now I feel like a fucking ass. I think I'm just going to give up trying to express how I feel to people. It always seems to end horribly. All alone as usual.


Fuck it all.